Journal of the Crestfallen one.

life... blah...

2006-05-25T15:30:17Z

I've been yelled at to update my journal. So, here we go.

Tonight I tried scanning my face on my scanner for a friend. I didn't want to do it at first, because I didn't want to scratch my shiny unscratched scanner glass, but I said fuck it. I was disappointed with the results, you would hardly make out anything. I tried convincing my fiancee to hold the scanner up to my ass to scan a picture to see if I'll have better luck with my ass. She refused, so I tried scanning my man-part, It worked out real good surprisingly. I think it has to be in the technique. Later I figured out why it didn't work out so well, the scanner I have uses indirect LED exposure to scan pictures and texture confuses it. But, I'm dedicated to the art of face and ass scanning. If I accomplish a good pic of my face or ass, I'll show the world!

I should put up my old eye pictures, has anyone ever noticed the odd thing about my eyes? on eye is half orange, and half green, while the other is Hazel. I have spoken with many specialists, the best answer I have received is, I was poisoned. The funny thing is the orange spot gets bigger and smaller. Which means I'm still being exposed to the poison. does that mean "The Man" is still out to get me? Perhaps it is from all the times I did Absinthe... Nay, I noticed it before my Absinthe days...

I have to meet with my grandmother in Montello on Sunday for a chatty lunch. earlier this week, she wrote me a letter, in it she expressed a little that she missed David. He always did her lawn work. With him passing way last.. August. She hasn't had anyone but Corey to help her. She wishes I lived closer. It worries me at times at how she is handling Davids death. I expect it to be hard for her. Her own son passing away before she does is hard. On top of that, not having a real reason why he passed away. All they know is his heart stopped, the detective beleives there was foul play, considering my Uncle was given drugs by a guy that was suspected of killing other people with the same drug. I wish I could find an answer for my grandmother, something to ease her mind a little. Since his passing, My mother has avoided me, and my grandmother has been all over me. I beleive the reason is, I am a lot like him. It is scary how much me and him are alike. I regret not spending more time with him, but the time I have spent with him are unforgettable. It is also sad that his own son doesn't know of his death. Caleb is his name, and his mother had cut him off from David, saying David is a bad influent. That is something to say coming from a person that spent a couple years in jail for trying to kill someone. I think I have found perhaps an answer, but my morals are ripping me back and forth. On the talk show "Montell" they have a phycic named Silvia Browne, perhaps I could write a letter, try to get my grandmother on the show. She beleives in stuff like that. I'm skeptical... On top of that, I don't want to force this on her... I don't know if this lady has the ability she claims. If she is just a scam artist, it might make things worse... I want to help my grandmother with something to ease her mind...

On other geeky talk...

Lately I've been reading a lot of books on Hydroponics, I think it is an interesting concept, to grow plants without soil, instead you'll use water to transport the nutrients the plants need, and perhaps sand or any other clean medium to support the root systems, and to prevent direct light damage to the root systems. Most of the work in preparing the system is making sure everything is clean and planning the way you are going to distribute the nutrients, you can use the drip method which will put a drip of nutrients on the plant every X hours, or you can use the waterfall system. or you can use the slow drain method. There are even ways of doing this organiclly. What makes this system helpful is, you can use this system in the cities, where you don't have the soil or the space. You will be able to grow anything you want year round. You can produce a lot too, because you can space your roots a lot closer together. You'll even save yourself a lot of money on not running to the grocery store. I really recommend this for vegans with money problems(That means you Sarah) Once you get everything up and running, you'll only spend at most twenty minutes a day keeping the plants alive and producing very good vegetables, flowers, fruits and herbs.

I plan to start experimenting with this system, with one of the hardest plants to keep alive, my 25 year old bonsai tree. If I can get that to survive, I am sure I'll be ready for anything else. I plan to use a constantly pumping system with a filter before the pump. using a regular flower put four inches in diameter with a pvc pipe and a cap at the end with two holes drilled on the sides, one for drainage, the other for destrubing the nutrients. I will be using another container to hold the nutrients. I will use an old fish tank air pump, modified to carry water. I will use organic nutrients to feed my plant. easiest thing in the world to make, take a drum and a sock, put cow poopie and soil the the sock, throw it in the drum filled with water and let sit for a week. Tada! The total cost for equipment for a good size setup, if you plan to build it yourself, like I did, was about $50. Not bad for a way to grow tons of yummy plants, huh?

I have also been working on Hijacking a Wifi signal a couple weeks ago I noticed people within 3 square miles of me having Satellite Dishes with Wireless receivers. Two days later I tracked down where the signal was, a nice big tower. I went down to the local library to find old Military Topography maps along with Military Manual FM 3-25.26, Which is the military land navigation manual, yes, I am a bit rusty on my land navigation. With all my research I've found that I'm at the limits of not being able to get the signal. With a Satellite Dish and 3 Can Cantenna, I can only make 6.4 miles. That is if I have a perfect ground. The Tower is about 6.8 miles away. On top of that, I have to have line of sight. The topography maps say there are no obsticles in my way, except the trees in other peoples yards. I'm in for a challenge, I have to build myself a preamp and pray it doesn't fry my equipment. On top of that, I have to get past the Line of Sight, before I even get a preamp. I really have to climb high, These trees are about thirty-five feet tall. If I have to I'll make a passive repeater... I'm dedicated to Hijacking this network. That way, I'm not limited on internet time. That way I have more then 4 hours of job searching and sending resumes each week. And of course, chatting when I have free time.

Whoris Geeky Life.

2006-03-07T16:28:27Z

Today I ran into an interesting project that could be my cluster when I get a job. The project is putting linux on the MSN TV 2 RM4100 http://mirror.toc2rta.com/index.php/Main_Page Lots of interesting stuff here, it's has an Intel 830 Chipset with a Intel Celeron Mobile processor, clocked at 733Mhz with 256kb cache. Cool thing is it runs off 12V, so I can hook a bunch of them all up to one power supply. They have 100mb ethernet ports, two usb ports. 64MB on the Compact Flash Card(boots off this card), 128MB ram, a 6 channel sound card, Infrared ports. If I feel up to it, I can even solder on an IDE slot. So, I could hook up a hard drive. the limit on space is 127Gigs. There is a PCI slot, with a SODIMM slot for expanding for more ram, if you are really good at soldering.

Just image buying ten of these things and putting 100Gig hard drives in each of them. for you people in the european area, you can also do this mod. These things were going for 99 cents a unit, until the news broke of this project, but the prices have died down a bit, I'm waiting for about $20 a unit to buy one, right now they are at about $40 a unit. Imagine the investment, buying ten of these at the moment would cost you $400, that's pretty cheap for 7.33Ghz of raw power. if you solder in ten ide ports and buy 10 100gig Hard Drives, you'll end up with about 1Tb of storage. Total cost of 1Tb and 7.33Ghz of power totals about $1,400. Just image having ten of these units processing your Divx. Just imagine having 7.33Ghz at your displosal with a terabyte of storage space. Or perhaps a distributed compiler. There are plenty of things you can do with this processing power. Crack Hashes. Even try to help cure cancer or find aliens. Or even better, they fixed up the kernel to support video, put one of these on top of your TV set and watch your Divx Movies off your LAN with mythTV.

Today I was wondering if there is such a thing as a USB router, I've seen these network links for USB data transfer, I know linux can use them. I've been curious to weither someone has made a linux router box with USB 2.0 cards. I mean 480MB/s is a little less then half of 1000Mb/s. I know the routers for 1000Mb/s networks are expensive, about $180. you can easily set up a 4 port USB network for about $70. It's 4.8 times faster then a 100mbps network and just about half the speed of 1000mbps.

I've been thinking about writting a book of my own, I'm thinking of calling it "The Book of Wires" It'll be a a nice reference material for almost everything you need to know about cables and how to create them. And even inexpensive ways of creating high quality cables. I don't know if I'll have enough material to create a 300 page book, unless I research other things, like fiber optics. perhaps I'll put in plenty of pictures that might just fill up the book. The more and more I think about it, the more I want to trail off to other things, that just might complicate the book. Should I honestly put the time into creating a book like this? especially when I'm unemployed... Would there even be a demand for a book like this?

Lately I've been afraid of losing knowledge, I think my abilities as a Systems Admin are fading, I haven't been working in these envirnments for a while now. I miss playing with Apache, Cpanel, DNS, and my favorite Task, tracking down spam, preventing spam, and the lovely defending against intruders. I used to be so good with these hosting machines that I practicly felt the hosting machines pulse, and even detected when it was sick, or sluggish. I even miss shitty ass Cpanel. In my opinion, it has its advantages and disadvantages. I did love taking advantage of the data provided by Cpanel in scripts but I hated that web interface with a passion. There were times when I had to load that web interface up, and I was thinking "Why the hell do I deal witht this interface." I hate how some things are tied into the interface that you can't mess with in the shell. I did make plenty of tools for myself that bypassed the stupid web interface, but, that wasn't enough.

I miss working for Arteryplanet. I still need to give LaZZ the binaries I created to watch for spam, with pretty checksums on the headers and body of the messages. too many checksums of the same thing, and you are flagged. I should write a better algorithm to catch likenesses, that might be more effective, blah. I have also written scripts to detect data in DNS cache and block the IP address that access these peices of data. I'm sure there is a way of blocking this with a change in the config, but, I haven't had the resources I used to have before. Something called the internet. I hate having to use my knoppix CD at the Workforce Development Building to bypass half the stupid security to get to chatcircuit, to check my mail, they won't unblock it, they have some software that blocks anything with the word chat in it. And the system admin is as lazy and as dumb as a box of rocks.

Funny thing is, you log in using your social security number, when you log in, you get a prompt stating your name address and birthdate, they use no encryption with this data, it is all plain text, I know this because I've arpspoofed the network. I bet all this data is in one nice big SQL database for the taking. I have no reason to use this data, I don't feel like spending 50 years in prison for fraud. If it were credit card information, I might take it, and sell it. I need money! j/k. I would report this, but this is a state building, I don't think I want to face changes of the many laws I've broken in discovering this.

I bought a thumbdrive last week, pretty little thing, 512MB for $30, not a bad deal. With this, stick in my knoppix CD at Workforce Development, and update my journal more often, with entries that are longer then 5 sentences.

The Wonders of Interference.

2006-03-07T16:26:30Z

I've been working on many things lately. This week I've been trying to track down the source of most the interference in the house. I tried hooking up a simple gamecube to my ATI TV Wonder and that simple connection didn't come in.

I think the issue is that I have wrapped all my computer cords in one huge bundle, including my power cord, which I've read is a good source of interference. I've tried seperating the power sources and running the cords at 90 degree angles. That was unsuccessful. so I though perhaps it is the video cords, but I've read the specs on the belkin cords, they are super insulated for a nice range of freqencies. So, I thought it might be my ethernet cords, I didn't know if ethernet was analog or digital, but I figured it was time to replace the cords that are 5 feet too long with more custom cables. I baught the kind of ethernet cabling that goes into the household walls. the ones that are one stran. I made the cables, pluged them in. I'm only getting 5MB/s I don't know if that is bad for 100MB/s I'm pretty sure it is. So, I checked the cords, all the connections were fine. Then I noticed. I have the wrong kind of modules for the cables. The kind of modules I have are made for braided cables. I need modules for Solid cables. the pins stick out too far, I'm afraid it'll shift the pins in the ethernet card over a slot. I did transfered 40gigs on the cords with no errors. perhaps the speed issue was that I was using scp. I need a program that just transfers without ftp, just some program that is meant for testing ethernet cables.

Last year I bought myself a Zippo, You know how they are supposed to be easy to light. This one is cursed or something. takes about 20 strikes until it lights. Checked the wick, no issues there. The flint is fresh. Perhaps it is the fluid, perhaps I need to buy the ultra expensive $20 a bottle zippo fluid. If the fluid doesn't help, I'll replace the wick and try again. If that doesn't work, I'm never buying another zippo.

Books

2006-02-14T16:58:19Z

Here are some of the books I've read this month, I've been on a reading spree. I've been reading about 100 pages a day.

Geek my ride: build the ultimate tech rod << alright book for teaching you how to install computers/AV things in your car. only thing that bothered me about the book was how redundent it was.

The herb book << great glossary of herbs, along with recipes for my favorite herb, Wormwood, which I found out grows here in Wisconsin.

Let it rot! : the gardener's guide to composting << book on compusting, great for a starter book. Getting ready for the garden this summer.

Hacker's delight << advanced math with programming, it's pretty hard core stuff, behond my programming skills. But from what math things I do understand, it teaches you how to save time and memory, with shortcuts. I recommend this to advanced people.

Spook : science tackles the afterlife << interesting book on proving the existence of a human soul with science.

ICon : Steve Jobs, the greatest second act in the history of business << Steve Jobs, Zen? huh?? lol, Good Biography.

Beyond oil : the view from Hubbert's Peak << We are at our peak in oil production, help! either this is propoganda, or we are teh screwed. Either way, interesting book on the whole oil thing.

Mac toys : 12 cool projects for home, office, and entertainment << for moderate Mac and Computer geeks, this was boring, only thing I had interest in was the X10 stuff.

Wireless all-in-one desk reference for dummies << only reason I got this book was to try to figure out some things, but this book was too basic for me, but had a lovely listings of wifi database sites.

Taming the tiger within : meditations on transforming difficult emotions << beautiful book, only took me a day to read, cause it was about 300 pages of short things like "At the moment of anger, Reflect onto what caused it." or "All anger is from within" wasn't the right kind of book for me. I don't have anger problems. heh.

Ethics for the new millennium << great book on by the Dali LLama

Google : the missing manual << Great for Beginners, boring for People that know all the tricks.

BTW, Today is my Birthday!

crestfallenlove @ 2005-12-31T01:42:00

2006-01-02T21:38:20Z

Well, things have worked out and I'm back with Felicia, not much time to talk. will post something one day.

Well, life seems to fuck up even more

2005-12-04T05:41:16Z

Felicia has broken up with me over e-mail... This is all too strange, considering last time we talked we had the hardest time hanging up the phone...

Her e-mail:

i not going to be home on tusday and my dads going to come and get my stuff and we'er over for godd and good bye

There is one bit of humor to this, This part was an ad at the end of the e-mail.

Yahoo! Personals
Single? There's someone we'd like you to meet.
Lots of someones, actually. Try Yahoo! Personals

Lustful Crestfallen Obsession

2005-11-24T10:56:09Z

My breath smells of absinthe again tonight. I feel pukey... Maybe I should dump the rest down the sink...

Is Obsession really something bad? could you call my lust to be with Felicia Obsession?

She didn't call or e-mail me today... I don't know what is happening, has she said "Fuck It" and just left me? Has she found someone new? Or, has she been busy babysitting to earn enough money to come and pick me up. Has her father kept her from the cell phone and/or library... These things bother me. Or worse, she is in a mental instatution... or one step further.... She could have... nooo... at least I hope not. I've thought of it... *sigh*

I worked my ass off with mturk, I'm up to 1,500 HITs at 3 cents each. One problem, I don't have a checking account. I knew this after the 100'd HIT, but I don't care, perhaps someone would lend me the money to open one. It isn't like I wouldn't be able to pay them back. And with a Checking account I could sell everything I own, since i haven't even unpacked anything, I have my bed, computer, some cloths...

I'm almost out of fucking Cigs... Fuck!

It has been a week.

2005-11-23T06:13:42Z

It has been a week since I have last spoke with Felicia... She was going to try to convince her father to come get me. But he wouldn't. I've been trying to earn money myself to go see her. But no one wants to buy my things. and it would take at least $35 to get there and back, but I would be limited to maybe one night...

I've been crying uncontrolably, hoping everything is alright. Last time we spoke, she told me she thinks she oculd be pregnant... I'm not ready for a kid, lets hope it is a false alarm. It would be really complicated if she was pregnant... I haven't been able to sleep that well, I've been fantasing about her laying next to me, sifting threw my hair... sometimes I hear her singing, and look back behind me to see if she is really there... I'm losing my mind and need some resolve... I'm still having a hard time eating... it's been a week since I last had a bite. I've been laying around with my headphones blaring to some Placebo, which isn't helping. Depressing music, but it reminds me of the situation.

I got my hands on some Absinthe today from a friend, he saw me the first day I came down here, he said I look like shit now, I bitched at him telling him damn right I had better look and feel like shit to need this. Absinthe... That charming Bitter Green drink. I feel hollow even on absinthe,I feel the same on absinthe, just can concentrate more on my pain, depression, lust... You are only supposed to take one shot of this a month to be on the save side. Today I've already had 7 shots. I've never needed it this bad... I feel sorta like a junky right now.

My mother is being a bitch, she called Felicia crazy, she wants me to leave her. This isn't her fucking life. gah, I hate her so much at times.

I wish I still had money in my paypal account, I would sell stuff on eBay, but I have no damn bank account anymore. I would sell anything, even both my computers to have her back in my arms tonight.

I still haven't unpacked any of my stuff... I'm fucking lost without her, and most people say I'm better off, that I should learn to be more independent... But she was fucking good for me, and I don't feel the same without her. I'm happier when I know my darlin' is going to be in bed with me every night, our special time of day, cuddling, talking, romancing... I need at least $35 to make things a little more managable, by seeing her and actually getting the chance to talk everything over. At least try to... I'm so tempted to just say fuck it and move back to Felicia's Fathers place...

I need refuge from myself anf my life!!!!!!

Things seem to fall apart even more

2005-11-12T07:58:15Z

Well, on Thursday Me and Felicia decided to talk to a police officer about her father holding Kiana hostage(in a way). He told us to just drive there and pick her up, that there was nothing legally preventing us from picking up Kiana. Felicia cried and cried until I drove up there. She was gunna get Kiana and we were going to leave. End of story. Instead her father went on a rampage and told us that someone reported to Social Services that I am abusive with Kiana. And that he was ordered to not let Kiana leave the house with me. And the second thing is, Felicia was so fucking willing to move back, it was unbeleivable. Her father even threatened to never speak to her again. So she compromised on her own and decided for the both of us it was best to move back into her parents place. I actually agreed to... When I got home, my mother talked some sense into me. Felicia's father is the only one that could have called claiming that I'm abusing with Kiana. Cause not many people knew of our move. and he is the only onr fighting to get them back. So, she stayed there for the night. Today I realized that I can't go back there, he represses all of us, he's a controlling bastard. My mother and grandmother said I would loose their respect if I moved back, my mother said she would never help me again if I did. They want better for me, I don't blame them.

Kiana is really sick, they might place her in the hospital on Monday, at least that is what Felicia and Roger claim. Felicia wants me back home at least to be with Kiana. But I can't with some asshole like Roger Telling Social Services I'm abusive with that girl. and when it comes to these cases, I'm guilty until proven inocent.

So, I think we'll either have to split up, or move our relationship onto a long distance relationship. Either way, I feel like dying. I love Felicia and Kiana. It will be hard to live without them around... either way, Felicia is coming by to pick up cloths tomorrow, and I have so much emotions built up right now, I don't know what will happen.

I hate crying like this, I know I have to stay here to get my life back on track...

Love makes you want to do insane things, like move back into a hellhole, just for one more moment of love.

One last thing... She has sowed my heart back together... and now it's going to be pulled apart.

Without her, I know I'll be suicidal

Life is truely shitty

2005-11-10T02:20:55Z

Well we moved into my mothers, I could tell right away that Felicia's family didn't really want her and Kiana to move into my mother's place(by the way they prevented Felicia from helping me pack, and not helping themselves, so I packed and moved all our stuff on my own). But Social Services was screwing us in that county, we have only about $800 a month for income a month there. And everyone is unemployed Roger is collecting unemployment. Brenda is supposed to be getting disablity from her insurance, but they owe her $2,000 in back payments. Well Social Services was counting that again us, even though that is money we haven't seen yet, so, the cutoff for food stamps is $2,800 a month. Which means until that insurance company pays Brenda, they will count that against us. Second thing is we are going to get evicted from the place, Roger has made a deal with the guy, he can pay the landlord $200 a month as long as he keeps the electric bill caught up. but we are only getting that deal until before winter hits. and here comes winter. The landlord wants us to move out before the winter hits. So, me Felicia and Kiana moved to my mothers.

After two days, My mother from all her stress went on a venting spree on me while Felicia was next to me. My mother is worried about not making the morgage, they haven't had heat for the past couple months. The LP tank is at 20% and it might not be till next month till it gets filled( I honestly wish I knew about this stuff before I moved in) Felicia got affended and all hell broke loose, That same day, Felicia's father was to pick up Kiana so she can see a doctor because she doesn't seem that well. and insurance hasn't been transfered into this county yet. Social Services is trying to push the issue of child support, but we don't want them to. Kiana's father has been convicted of Child Melestation, The reason Kiana came to be was Felicia used to babysit his Neice for him whenever she was around. And he tried to rape his own neice, instead felicia stuck up for that little girl and let him rape her, to the point of her innerds being fixed with surgery. When felicia became pregnent this guy tried murdering Felicia many times, even one time at her school he tried killing Felicia and her unborn baby. After this guy was done with Felicia he moved onto his neice again. His Neice got pregnent with twins. This guy has done all this, and has gotten away with it. Because he is rich. Felicia has kept low since Kiana was born. And pushing for child support will get his goat and we are sure he'll try to get custody of Kiana. He is rich, even if we had money, he would stall until we ran out. And Social Services doesn't care, they want us to push for support and endanger all our lives. Even though we have insurance on Felicia and Kiana in Winnebago county, without having to take this guy for support.

Well, right now Felicia's father has Kiana, and he wants Felicia to move back with him. Her father has prevented us from getting on our own two feet for the past year. He says he won't bring kiana back and he wants felicia to come back. The bastard has grandparent rights, he'll say he's protecting Kiana if we call the police. and it'll open a whole can of worms... So either both me and Felicia move back down, or she moves back alone. That is if she wants Kiana... We don't know what to honestly do. If we move back it's back to being manipulated and used until her father dies. we'll be servents like usual. Clean this, do that. Or I can stay behind, try to get on my feet.

I'm so fucking stressed. Me and Felicia have no clue what to do.

It's official!

2005-10-25T20:17:52Z

Well, we are starting to pack, Me, Felicia and Kiana are moving in with my mother. Moving date is Wednesday of next week. Which will be the start of stressful times. We'll have to get jobs, and after we get jobs manage to get our own place. before the jobs we need to transfer counties for insurance and other bullshit. Her parents want to move close to use, in low-income or some emergency housing.

I will be updating my journal a lot more, and even be online a lot more. Maybe I'll even stop by #perch!

Roomba kicks ass!

2005-10-20T18:54:22Z

I found a link today on hacking a roomba, kick ass!

http://heathkit.mondrary.com/virgin/

Now all it needs is a remote detinator and my plan to take over the world will work out nicely.

Creativity Sucks, How does that sound?

2005-10-04T15:01:58Z

Today, I didn’t sleep that much, Felicia kept me up most the night. Tonight I’m planning on actually sleeping for a night. The job hunt is still going on, I’ve applied at two temp services. I had an offer from one of them, but it was for a programming job. There are two types of jobs I wouldn’t take. Fast food and Programming. We have one month to get hired or at least get some income. I made an appointment at Biolife, a bone marrow donation center. I can make up to $200 a month donating twice a week. I hate needles. I totally hate them. Last time I had to get poked with one, it took me about half an hour to settle down after they stuck me. Which I don’t understand. I used to donate blood all the time, and needles didn’t bother me one bit. I guess I’m going to have to suck it up to get some money into the house.

Yesterday I traded a 5 port SOHO hub for a Creative Sound Blaster Live card. The guy told me it is 5.1-Surround Sound capable. When I got home and got it all set up, I could only get mplayer to work with up to 4.0-Surround Sound. So I spent a while trying to get jumper settings and more info on the actual card I might have. To be honest I think I have the Value Edition card. But then again it has more ports and some external hookup thing. I think it is for one of those bay volume control things. I’m not really that sure. I wish creative had more info on actually identifying which card I actually have. There are about 12 different models in the Creative Sound Blaster Live family. One thing that bums me out is that two years ago I read a lot about hacking these sound blaster live cards. Now I can’t find anything about it online. Overall I do enjoy the Sound Blaster card more than my via sound card. The sound is so crisp. But I was hoping for the real 5.1 Surround Sound expereince when watching my movies.... I wonder if there is a jumper for 5.1, heh.

While I was there I also traded in some other hardware, so I hope I get some cash for my parts, I offered Windows XP Office, a PCMCIA LAN card and an AMD 3000 CPU. If I’m lucky I’ll come home tonight with a DVD-RW (cross your fingers)

Shit hitting the fan

2005-09-29T18:40:37Z

things have been hard lately, we are down to about $192 and being evicted soon. So, we might be stuck moving up north for a while. This county really sucks for financial help. there is no rental assistance in this county. and Felicia's mother should have been accepted for SSI tell me, what can a lady do when she can't carry more than 5lbs and can't stand for more than 2 hours a day, or sit for more than two hours a day? No one will hire her if she is that limited, and with more work, it'll just get worse. how can someone not get on SSI for that?

besides that I've been trying to find work, around here people expect you to have expereince before they hire you. Tell me, where do you get work expereince if everyone expects you to have it before you work? you have to start somewhere. As for geeky jobs around here. there are close to null jobs that I do have experience in.

Felicia is too scared of becoming independent and her mother is trice as worse. Kiana will go through withdrawls if you leave... yeah... but do you expect us to live with you forever. It is really getting to me having to rely on other people and Felicia being monipulated into not wanting to have the chance to become independent.

I've been trying to keep my mind busy with other stuff. like trying to hack my palm pilot so it'll be able to plug into a wall. but I need to figure out some things.

I need to take a 4.8V 150mA signal and reduce it to 3v and 20mA so I will need a resistor. I don't know how to properly set them up, I know I take 3v/.02 to get the resistor I need. but do I put it on the negative, the positive, and do I need to step down in resistance. I read somewhere about tolerance level, will it blow up if I just stick one resistor on? I need a good resource for all this basic knowledge, the librarian here has no clue on how to help me, and the catalog... well... no help.

The sight I have been looking for

2005-06-30T17:57:41Z

Some Cool lighter tricks. http://lightertricks.com/

crestfallenlove @ 2005-06-29T21:09:00

2005-06-30T02:17:46Z

Roger might have an interview on a local news station, FOX11. I wonder if he'll talk about the two other hospitals lying to him and saying his heart only had 40% blockage, but in the medical records he had 70% at that time. Before the surgery, he has 90% blockage on 4 valves. the great doctors he had managed to fix three, the last one they couldn't find a big enough vein for. Tomorrow we have to meet with a social worker and beg for assistence with everything. The way it's looking we won't have anything next month.

I found myself something cool for the dreamcast, I was going to get a vga converter for the thing when I got some money for $20, but I found a schematics for one, and it'll be dirt cheap. Now all I need is something to convert they keyboard and mouse to be used on the dreamcast. After that, all I'll need to do is hook it up to the kvm upstairs and it'll be all cool. http://devcast.dcemulation.com/mods/internalvga/vga.php

There are still people working on developement for the dreamcast, which is pretty suprising to me. I just wish there was more of a community for this.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

2005-06-29T23:14:16Z

The past couple of weeks have been pretty stressful, Roger had open heart surgery, three freakin' bypasses. And Brenda has a back problem which has caused both of them to be unable to work. We might only have enough money for rent this month, and that is it. After that month, we don't know what is happening. Most likely we are going to have to move out. We won't have anywhere to go... hopefuly I can get a job to help out I thought the job market sucked where my mother lived, but it's far worse here. Most jobs in the sunday paper are jobs dealing with stuff I have no experience in, and won't qualify for. like welders, Machinist with experience, CNA work. just a ton of jobs I have no experience in. I've put applications in at fast food joints... you know you're desperate when you put apps in at those places. Monster.com sucks ass... It is practicly useless for this area of the world, cause there is so much computer illiteracy here. When you are in Wisconsin, most people think you're a genius when you can hook up a 56k modem.

I've been told to get a job at The Planet, but that is in Texas... and the past year I've barely had time to use most of those talents I once had. I know The Planet is interested, really interested. and an employee there wants me to work there too. Almost every time I see him online, we talk about it. It is tempting to have a 27,000 a year job there compared to being unemployed. But I'm honestly afraid, what if I'm not good enough if they do employ me... What if I fail right away. I mean shit. I barely remember half of cpanel. and don't get me started on bind. I wish I had access to a server to see how rusty I really am. I've been debating a job at The Planet for just about 5 months now. I don't know weither to just take a leap and find out if I fail or listen to my own pessimistic precautius mind. I have my family to worry about too... my fiancee and her beautiful daughter.

I do have some good news, my broken computer booted. I just hit the power button while I was bored and what did I see. grub!!! what a beautiful sigh...

crestfallenlove @ 2005-06-26T11:36:00

2005-06-26T16:49:04Z

Well, Last night was a bust, I didn't see that three planet alignment. I don't know if it was because of the clouds or because someone reported incorrectly... either way, I saw nothing special.

As for my dreamcast project, I am now able to find parts for what I need. When I do get enough money to get the parts, I'll have to send the IC to a buddy for programming. I wish I knew more about this stuff. So that I can figure out for myself if this is actually a good setup if not, I could make improvements. I've heard I was wrong in thinking at most I'll be able to use a 6gig hard drive in the thing. its limit is 32Gigs, which is okay I guess. I really wish there was a scsi board to attach to this thing. I could just hook one to the isa interface, but all the isa scsi controllers I've ever seen were so out of date I shouldn't even bother. plus I need that isa for a isa modem. unless I find an external one for close to nothing. Then I can just make the serial port adapter for the dreamcast.

I have also found that I need something I didn't think I would need to overclock the dreamcast. I need to find a 40Mhz Quarts Crystal. And figure out how the hell to hook one of those up. I've heard of people trying a different Quarts Crystal and making it up to 300Mhz for cpu speed without adding additional cooling to it.

As for dreamcast linux, I find I need to get myself a premade image to get anything done. right now I'm on Nate's Computer and he's a Windows guy....blarg

Three Planet Allignment

2005-06-25T18:40:48Z

Suprised to see I actually put an entry in my livejournal!? well, it wasn't that easy.

This week was a bad one for me, my main computer is broken. I have no clue what is wrong with it, but it beeps like it'll power up, but it doesn't power up enough to even make the leds light up on the cpu fan. My main hard drive broke last week, so I lost 80gigs of Media/Mail/Pictures/E-Books/Personal Items... and my damn Resume. So, I'm gunna have to find a replacement circuit board for that hard drive to get my data back. as for the computer not powering up, I have no clue what the issue is, I don't have the proper tools to figure it out, so, I'll have to wait to get money in to figure it out.I know it's either cpu, power supply, Motherboard or Memory... heh

So, you ask... how did you get on the net to post without a computer... One word, Dreamcast. I found an old Web Browser CD. the cool thing is it also has some IRC client too. I've been trying to find the bootloader for the dreamcast linux project. They don't have a link to it anymore, sounds like the bootloader is discontinued, but it can't be, people are still developing for the thing. I also want to overclock my dreamcast and put a ISA bus with ide port on it, but I'm not good at schematics and figuring out where to get the hardware. http://www.fuzzymuzzle.com/Kiyoshi/Images/p0206n001.jpg http://www.fuzzymuzzle.com/Kiyoshi/DCEXT.htm

Tonight watch the western skies, you'll see a rare three planet Alignment, which will take up about as much space as the moon. It will happen just after sunset. I just can't wait to see it. I wish I had a camera.

Where has the time went....

2005-03-16T22:29:32Z

There is so much to talk about in this journal update that I have no clue where to start. So, here is my attempt.

I keep having a recurring dream. I keep seeing some kind of buddhist shrine. I start off zooming from the back of the shrine, it is a goldist, sorta bronze color. it is made of bricks, it is shaped like a small house, except it has a huge opening in the front. and a small hole in the back, about 2 bricks big. then, I swing around the shrine to reveal the front of it. the house is hollowed except for a big slab which is about three feet tall and on top of that is a Buddhist in a meditation position and another Buddhist laying down on a red rug. From the vibe, it feels like one buddhist is trying to heal the other one. Whenever I have this dream I feel really energized, relaxed, and revised when I awake.

Last Week I got into a car accident. I woke up in the morning to a big snowfall. I told my fiancee that I didn't think it was safe to drive and that we should just cancel her doctor appointment. After arguing for about ten minutes, I fell threw and we drove out in the snow storm. the roads weren't that bad. until we had to stop, before the stop sign I saw that there was a nice big patch of ice, so I slowed down to 20Mph and WEEEEEE! I did a 360 on the back drivers side tire, I turned the wheel to correct it, but it had no difference because the ice was all over and slippery enough to move anything. finaly, we hit a state sign. if it wasn't for the sign, the car would have rolled into a river. I should be getting the bill for the sign within 2 weeks. I got an estimate for it... $250... it doesn't even cost half that for a whole new one... right now I am poor as all hell, can't even afford my smoking habbit. so, if you have some spare cash(even $5 you can) donate it to me with paypal void(at)centurytel.net I will most likely feel guilty enough to pay you back if you do donate. heh. If I can't pay, this county is strict enough to put me in jail... weird, I thought jail was only for violent people.

Two weeks ago, my fiancee thought she broke her tail bone, we went to the emergency room right away. Found out it wasn't broken. She said it sure hurt a lot for not being broken. two days later. her skin broke open near her tailbone and started oozing out green potent smelling stuff, she spazed out thinking her tailbone and that it was spinal fluid leaking out and I thought it was bile from a lower intestine getting cought or something, we took kiana to the neighbors and ran to the emergency room once again. come to find out. it's a cyst. I watched the surgeon open her up and put packing gauze in her. every day for the past two weeks, I've had to repack her. and take care of her, Kiana, and her parents on my own. A ton of work. She has been complaining about sharp pains up and down her spine and numbness in her legs. The Surgen says it is unrelated to her Cyst.

About three weeks ago, I woke up and couldn't see, everything was whitewashed from all the light in the room. I spent three hours covering my eyes because any penetration of light would cause my head and spine to hurt so bad as to make me cry. My fiancee says I really need to get checked out, I've been having so many health issues... The state won't help with covering a Doctor, even just a little. So, I refuse to ring up another couple grand of dept from doctors. On top of that, the doctors around here have no fucking clue what they are doing, we have to go to three different doctors to even get a decent idea of anything. like 2 months ago, Kiana stepped on something and we took her in for a technashot and to see if it could be removed. the next week we went to a doctor to evaluate her foot, they tell us it's a wart... three weeks later, we take her in to get the wart removed, now it's a callis... we knew it was a callus the whole time... but the doctors insisted it was a wart...

Three weeks ago, Felicia had lung problems to where she had an O2 level of 83 under 90 is dangerous, they gave her a breathing treatment and called her a newcence, the report said she didn't need a breathing treatment. our new doctor bitch out that doctor. She did need a breathing treatment her asthma was acting up because of her bronkidus, if it wasn't for the breathing treatment she could have died that night.
I should start my own Medical Clinic, I bet I could do almost as much as a doctor without even having a degree. btw I hate it when Doctors think you know nothing because you don't have a Medical Degree. I hate the way the Medical Field is, I hate how insurance is bullshit in most cases... Someone needs to govern the medical community before we go back to the midevil times....

Love ya'll

crestfallenlove @ 2005-01-07T16:18:00

2005-01-07T22:19:08Z

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Molest more hamsters.

Get your resolution here

crestfallenlove @ 2005-01-03T20:04:00

2005-01-04T02:05:51Z

I'm getting paid to play video games and watch children at teh LAN game. how cool is that, but only making $5 an hour, still work and stuff. I got engaged. Stuff!

Don't worry, I'm not dead.

2004-10-29T22:21:08Z

in case anyone was wondering, the reason I've vanished is lack of internet access and time. I'm working on trying to gain wireless access through this library, they offer it, but I'll need something that can penetrate trees. If you really want to be a pal, would you find out info on making one of those satellite wireless receivers, I've read before that they can penetrate trees. that is the only real thing from stopping me from gaining wireless access.

I've also began a new hobbie, working on cars, I could have never imagined it would be so easy, and a lot less fustrating than working on computers.

Well, I have to leave now. I do hope you are all doing well. I miss a lot of ya all.

With lots of teh love. Josh

crestfallenlove @ 2004-09-26T01:13:00

2004-09-26T06:13:43Z

Photo Meme

1. Think of a word you would use to describe me.
2. Go to Google Image Search and search for that word.
3. Select the picture you see as most fitting, and post it as a reply.
4. Post this meme in your journal.

My Wish for the day...

2004-09-06T20:16:53Z

My only wish for today is to be held close to someones heart... and in her arms...